True transformation has occurred in me by implementing practical solutions one at a time. Below are some of the steps I took to break away into the freedom of how I wanted to purposely live instead of running on automatic.
There are two types of negative habits. The first one that is rooted in deeper issues that needs to be tended to. The second is simply habitual that is not rooted in a deeper way. Either one can become a rut. These ruts are only made from thinking the same negative thought, feeling the same negative emotion, taking action in the same negative way, or perceiving the world with the same negative mindset. All of these are simple circuitries in the brain that can be rewired. Making a list is a great way to start, which helps to recognize the habits that might have some underlying issues. Sometimes, outside help or an outside perspective is needed. You can journal about the habits that are unclear or are rooted in deeper ways. Many times, working in a systematic way is all that is needed. Set clear goals, use the SMART method. Take a look at this outline, which is extremely beneficial:
Making a list:
Make a list of negative habits that you want changed, perhaps put stars next to the ones that you could us an outside perspective on or do some free writing on these to gain some insight.
So, in order for this new plan to not get lost in a mountain of paperwork - create milestones from your SMART goals and input them into your calendar app/planner with reminders set (if using a digital calendar).
2. Create SMART goals & milestones:
SMART stands for S: specific, M: measurable, A: achievable, R: relevant, T: time-bound
Here's an example:
S: specific: I want to finally get my house in order, clean, decluttered, and keep it that way so I have less stress, more time, and for my environment's energy so I can feel good.
M: measurable: I will start each room on Sunday and finish it completely by the end of the week.
A: achievable: Is this time frame realistically achievable? Take into consideration other obligations and needed downtime and self-care. However, it is extremely important to make time to achieve the goals we want. You can block time out in your calendar if you need to.
R: relevant: Is this goal relevant to my broader life ambitions? Which it is, having a clean, uncluttered, and organized home is how I want and choose to live, partially because it affects my energy.
T: time-bound: I need to set a target date on when this should be completed and it needs to be realistic without a sense of slacking. In this scenario, if I am completing one room each week and have 6 rooms in my home, I would set my goal for six weeks.
Reminders for milestones, I would block out time in my Google Calendar each day. Before starting a room, maybe set a reminder for Sunday to pick up some boxes and trash bags, making sure I have a place ahead of time for donations and trash. You may have items you want to resell (personally, I donate all of my items that are not going into recycling or trash).
To keep my home in order, I need to come up with a plan with actions that I'm not currently taking or it will revert back. Here are two rules that I try to live by that are extremely useful:
If I buy a new item, I take an item out of my home and donate.
The one touch rule. If I bring in the mail, I don't set it down on the counter only to have the intention of picking it up later and going through it. I go through it right away to at least get rid of any junk and if there are pieces that need my attention, I have a designated spot for those. If I'm using an item and am done with it (reading a book), I don't set it down where it doesn't belong - I put it away the first time.
3. Next, identify your trigger patterns
Identify which cues trigger the negative habit.
Here's an example: If you are always leaving for appointments and events last minute which causes overwhelming feelings which then causes being short with the kiddos and yourself, etc. For this scenario, what I've done is three-fold. First, I prepare for my day with meditation and intention setting, which sets the tone for the day (which I talk about in my post: Unleashing Your Inner Power & Mindful Journaling for Personal Growth). Second, when I have an appointment or an event scheduled, I use my Google Calendar. I set a reminder for 1 day ahead, 2 hours ahead, and 30 minutes ahead (this also helps to free up my mental capacity that allows me to live more present-moment based). I also utilize my Google Home Mini and set an alarm to tell me when it's time to leave. Here's the trick, I always set it 15 minutes before I actually have to leave (unless I'm needing to get children out the door, then longer, depending on the child's habitual patterns, even then - there are tweaks that can be made such as putting on shoes earlier in the day, etc.) AND I always plan on arriving to my appointment or event 15 minutes early.
This has taken me from someone who forgets and was always late to appointments to someone who is now recognized as being extremely responsible and organized (including with my time).
Do you blow up at loved ones and lose your cool?
Again, the key to changing this starts with your morning routine (see Unleashing Your Inner Power). Second, keep a log of what happens right before you lose your cool, perhaps rewind to even earlier. Many times when we lost our grip with our emotions it is because we've been holding too tight to them for a longer period in an attempt to stuff our emotions, which blows our lid eventually. Also, what did it feel like inside of your body before the explosion? Getting to know the subtleties of the warning signs is key in knowing when to step away before the eruption. Keeping a log will help you to identify patterns which can then be used to change the way you respond instead of just reacting.
I also look at the rest of the day and if I place my attention on anything that pulls out or perpetuates negative thinking, feeling, or acting within me. For example, I don't watch/read any negative news. I only listen to music that makes me feel good. I only watch Netflix when it's a show/movie that excites me, inspires me, or makes me laugh. In this instance it has nothing to do with the content of the show but everything to do with how it makes me FEEL. For example, my all-time favorite show had a lot of violence. However, the entirety of the show excited me - always. I always felt upbeat and frisky. When running circuitry in the brain of activities that make you feel good, the easier it will be to stop running the negative circuitry in other parts of your day.
I used to be incredibly neurotic and on edge, I am now calm, at peace and am filled with enthusiasm for life.
Part of this process is all about replacing negative habits with positive ones.
4. Replacing habits & habit stacking:
Here's an example: If you are one to endlessly scroll on your phone before bed, replacing that with reading a book or doing stretches is key. It's important to disconnect from screens AT LEAST one hour before bed. After I journal (see the post: Mindful Journaling for Personal Growth), I disconnect, following that with some stretches, getting ready for bed, and then I take 30 minutes to read. I used to not be able to get to bed at a consistent time due to constantly becoming distracted. So, for a while, I set a reminder with my Google Home Mini saying "it's time for bed" until it became a habit.
That brings me to reminders. The biggest problem I found when trying to make positive changes in my life is that in the moment, I would forget what I have read and wanted to implement. There are two ways to help with this.
First, is reminders. As I've stated above, reminders from my Google Calendar or Google Home Mini have been extremely helpful. I can also place sticky notes on let's say, my bathroom mirror, or my cupboard where I keep my mugs for coffee and tea. I also utilize Google's Keep app, where I have written out affirmations (again see the post: Unleashing Your Inner Power) and the key feature I use from this app is a notification reminder set for 5:00am every day in which my affirmations pop up on my screen. You can also write them down and tape to your bathroom mirror. Any external reminder is key.
Second, is another external reminder that is pairing the new habit with something you already do, which is called habit stacking.
Here's an example: After you make your bed is when you can start meditating. This takes advantage of habits you already do. You can also stack the habit of brushing your teeth to reading the daily affirmations that you've taped to your bathroom mirror. I highly recommend James Clear's book Atomic Habits for an in-depth and transformational guide of habit formation. Starting new and positive habits and practicing those habits will rewire your brain, which will help you to default to those instead of the negative ones.
However, none of this works without a true and earnest desire for real change. A commitment to a purposeful life is key.
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